Nightmares and Cosmic Shifts
[vulnerable insight, patterns to recognize, and journaling prompts to help you delve deeper into your own self-discovery]
Biking through vineyards somewhere in New Zealand, living my best life. I had been spending my days at the time working full time in Physical Therapy, part-time as a Personal Trainer, and wasting too much of my time in bumper to bumper traffic - burn out was alive and well. A change I knew needed to happen was on the horizon, and I was not only scared but I didn’t know what my next step to take was - so instead my best friend and I up and left to New Zealand for 3 weeks. My intention soon became clear, that I couldn’t go back to the life I’d been living. I was too afraid to completely abandon my dreams for new ones in New Zealand, so I compromised by quitting my jobs to begin travel Physical Therapy in the US. www.unrulywomen.org
Lately I’ve been having nightmares. Three ferocious grizzly bears chasing me and attacking. I try to run, but I never get far. Although, they never actually rip me apart before I wake up completely drenched in sweat.
After careful consideration that it’s not a premonition - I hope 😅 👀 - I’ve found that there’s a pattern when I have nightmares, especially recurring ones. Journaling, helps me unearth what I may be avoiding, fearful of, or unaware of all together. When I write it out, it becomes easier for me to recognize patterns.
Whenever a big change is coming, I find myself resisting and trying to retreat back to what’s comfortable. Most of the time, I don’t even recognize I’m doing this. It often shows up as tendencies of avoidance, procrastination and escapism. [And if you’re wondering how I’m so easily coming to these conclusions, it’s the result of a decade of journaling, inner work, lengthy periods of complete solitude, and a couple of years working (on and off) with a somatic therapist. So if it takes you some time to figure it out, don’t worry].
Side of the road realizations are a real thing during endless roadtrips, especially having been under the towering magic of Mount Shasta. This was a time for me when another really big shift was on the horizon, I was afraid, and I went for it anyways. It didn’t work out as I had planned or hoped it would, but it was a necessary step in life. www.unrulywomen.org
🌱 Avoidance helps me to avoid acknowledging what I don’t want to.
🌱 Procrastination helps me never achieve what I’m afraid to.
🌱 Escapism (constant travel, adventure, and change of environment) ensures that if I leave all together - everything and everyone and whatever I’m actually avoiding - I get to start over, new, fresh, and never actually confront what I’m afraid to. It also means that I don’t have to make a choice or try hard enough to find out if I succeed or fail.
Everyone has their own patterns, and these are mine [hello vulnerability]. They generally surface before really big life changes or shifts and I’ve felt this one coming. I’ve been happy and content in the planning and preparing for everything that’s to come this year…. but actually doing it, is absolutely terrifying. Even though, I’ve had an overwhelming feeling of impatience as well. [ I guess that’s the beauty of being a complex multifaceted human being? Oh, joy].
The irony of this, is that when what I’ve been working on comes to fruition and the people show up and everyone is there and everything comes together - it flows. [Like the free workshop the bike shop and I put on the other day, or every group ride and backpacking retreat I’ve led]. Afterwards, I am radiating from my core with an overwhelming feeling of ‘that’s everything I hoped it would be and more,’ a sense of relief that all of the preparation was worth it, and gratitude that even though I was afraid, I did it anyways.
Hiking somewhere in Oregon, another huge shift was in the making. Knowing deeply what my heart wanted, and choosing it. Even though not everyone could quite understand. I’m thankful for making the hard choices, even the painful ones. www.unrulywomen.org
This pattern has shown up often, and always at the juxtaposition of wanting to stay but needing to leave.
When I knew I needed to quit, and when I actually have handed in my resignation.
When I knew a relationship was over, and when I actually walked through the door and left.
Before every big adventure. Every. Single. One.
It’s fascinating (and infuriating) to me, how some decisions are so hard to make, even painful sometimes, yet so completely necessary for forward propulsion. That inner struggle of wanting it so badly with every fiber of my conscious mind, having it all right in front of me - and knowing deep down that it’s not the path I’m meant to take.
I’m sure you’ve been in that situation once or twice before. In your mind, you want it, you want it to work, you see how it could work, you know how it’s ‘good for you’ - but deep down something feels off. Unable to always find the exact words or reasoning, other than the deepest knowing that whatever it is - just isn’t meant for you.
And that’s enough. That feeling, that deeper knowing of what’s not right for me, is enough.
Because these nightmares, these feelings of wanting to retreat to what is safe, and known, and comfortable - are all what arise to the surface of my consciousness before I’m about to make a choice and step into the unknown. I can’t see what’s next or predict any of it and it feels both so terrifying and so right at the same time.
To this day, my favorite home I’ve ever lived in. The healing this place brought me can only be described as exactly what I needed, to get me where I needed to go - and others too. I miss the salty air blowing off the ocean into my windows at night, the beam of moonlight pouring through my bedroom window, waking up to this view every morning watching the tide go in and out, and listening to the endless songs from the birds and waves lapping the shoreline. www.unrulywomen.org
I used to dream of a Peter Pan life or a pirate life (minus the pillaging and murder of course), an endless adventure of exploration out at sea or on the road, never staying in one place for too long - new experiences always around the corner and never the same experience twice.
A few years ago, I came face to face with this forever-dream. Something I’d always longed for, but never thought I could achieve, and there it was, in front of me.
Yet, something deep inside knew this path wasn’t for me at that time. I was frustrated with myself that I was choosing to walk away from it. I was infuriated with myself that my wildest dream was standing in front of me, and my deepest knowing was telling me to leave. Maybe it was a myriad of reasons stemming from fear and unworthiness, but ultimately it was a feeling that I am meant to do more in this world - not just escape into a real life fantasy.
Your dreams are allowed to change. Sometimes you’re faced with what you thought you wanted, only to realize it’s not what you need.
Nowadays, I’m immersed in a different life of unknowns, where I have a general idea of what I want to do and where I want to go, and what change I hope to help create but I’m not quite sure how I’m going to make it all happen - and not knowing exactly how, feels so right to me.
Here, big dreams are becoming realized and unfolding in real-time, slowly but surely. Unruly Women was in the making and I am forever grateful. www.unrulywomen.org
If you’re still reading, hopefully this resonates or is relatable in some way, and I hope you find comfort in knowing you’re not alone in your mixed feelings. You’re also not wrong, if you’re still living through your patterns. Sometimes we’re just not ready yet, and sometimes we choose never to be, and that’s a choice for you to make. And even if I’ve left you completely perplexed, I hope your takeaway from this is that the next time you find yourself in a juxtaposition of life - you stop, take a step back, write it out and try to recognize the patterns to help you discover why and how to do it differently next time.
If you find that you’re also someone who has a tendency to fall back into these patterns before big life changes, I hope that you give yourself the time to delve inward a bit deeper so that you can recognize if you’re leading a life that aligns with who you’re becoming or if you’re staying in the comfort zone because you’re afraid to take the next step - whatever that may look like to you.
✨It’s ok to not have all of the answers or reasoning, to make decisions that on the deepest level feel so incredibly right to you and make absolutely no sense to anyone else. Living authentically, means living from that deeper space, the inner knowing, and following wherever that leads you. ✨
Big decisions made here. Sometimes when we’re resisting what we want, when we’re so afraid to speak our needs, it can come out in ways most unexpected. A tug-of-war between our heart and mind. Take your time. Listen. Recognize what you need. Speak your truth. Trust that you know what’s best for you, even when it’s scary. Go for it. And even then, you’re allowed to change your mind. www.unrulywomen.org
So, what do those 3 ferocious bears in my nightmares mean to me? I believe it’s a sign that it’s time [once again] to step into my strength, be confident and take control in my life. Everything I’ve been working towards and preparing for is right around the corner and my fear of not-enoughness and what-if-it-doesn’t-work-out, is creeping in and taking over my subconscious as the 3 ferocious grizzlies I need to confront.
There’s absolutely no guarantee that what I’m dreaming of and working towards will work out in the way I’m hoping it will, but at least I’ll be able to say that I tried my best and I didn’t give up or let the fear of failure keep me from trying to make it happen.
It’s ok to have mixed feelings, I think that’s just part of it - heartache, heartbreak, loss, mourning, excitement, fear, gratitude, disappointment, confusion - all real and completely valid.
I find my resistance is strongest, when a big shift is coming and I have one of two options.
Take the next step, into the unknown.
Don’t take the next step, stay comfortable and safe . . . but always have a feeling of yearning about what could be and constantly wonder about the what-ifs.
Sometimes the choice is made for you and you’re going to be forced to make the choice of either 1 or 2 (above) .
*** Disclaimer: Playing it safe and staying comfortable, is not a wrong choice. Traveling the world for pure joy, is not a wrong choice either. Everyone is different and the choice is yours to make. I write from my own personal experience and my writings are to be interpreted as such. As always, you are your own person, capable of making your own decisions regardless of external influences - take no shit but do no harm. ***
✨Journaling Prompts✨
🌙 Where do you see patterns in your life? Maybe making the same choice again and again while expecting a different outcome? What is something that you can do differently next time?
🌙 Where in life have you been settling? Do you think you don’t have options? Do you believe that it doesn’t get any better? Do you think you’re undeserving of a better life?
🌙 What is something that you feeling awakening inside of you? What’s stirring? Are you ready or are you resisting (aka self sabotaging)? What is one way you’re resisting or one way that you’re taking the next necessary step?
🌙 Have you been resisting a change that you know needs to happen or that you want to happen? If so, what is it? How are you resisting? What can you do to not resist?
🌙 What keeps you from your wildest dreams? Is fear holding you back? Is it an inner feeling of unworthiness or not-enoughness, maybe someone told you you couldn’t/shouldn’t or that whatever it is isn’t meant for someone like you, or maybe someone like you isn’t well represented in that space yet? Do you believe them? Do you believe the stories you tell yourself? What is something you can do differently?
