A List of Things I Wish I Had Actually Learned in Sex - Ed, Why We Need to Talk About It, and the Importance of Keeping a Cycle Journal.
Feeling triggered? Curious? Fired up? This one is for you. This one is for everyone.
photo by Riah Beth Photography for Unruly Women LLC
“What is it, your time of the month or something?” If you’ve had that comment directed at you, I’m sure this brings a red hot fiery rage from the depths of your nether regions to the cheeks on your face. It makes my skin crawl in a mixture of frustration and anger. An incredibly misunderstood topic that turns into a verbal attack boomerang. No matter what you say, it’s just going to come back at you.
When I was a kid, I used to laugh it off, “ha, good one. . .” or get defensive “no I’m not!” Completely embarrassed. Probably confused too. I remember hearing that from a boy when we were in elementary school, I highly doubt he even knew what he was talking about, and had probably just parroted the comment from a family member or television character. Even now, in 2023, adult cis men still use this phrase - and yet (many) know next to nothing about our physiology. (speaking from my own experience of course, but I know I’m not alone in this).
PMS comments are directed at us like a burn or a kick to our ego, when in reality it should be a boost of confidence. We can heavily bleed, experience constant cramping, pain, nausea, and dizziness for up to 7 days every month for decades and not only do our job (whether that’s housework, childcare, corporate CEO, nurse, etc) but do our jobs well - because we have to, or it’ll elicit unwanted comments in reference to PMSing (whether we are, or not).
Let’s take back the narrative, and look at is as an ego boost instead of a burn.
During that time for me, I’m generally more direct and assertive and have much less patience to waste laughing at jokes that aren’t actually funny, which in turn is mistaken as grumpy or irritable … comparatively when men are assertive and direct they’re not dissed, they’re praised.
It’s time, to change our outlooks and our language. We need to embrace our cycles, our bodies, and our intuition. We need to learn about our individual cycles and how to navigate them. We need to remind ourselves that we are powerful and we are infinitely stronger together.
photo by Riah Beth Photography for Unruly Women LLC
This morning I feel fiery. I had a great conversation last night that sparked something deep within. Hot coals are churning in the pit of my stomach as I write this, digging up all of the buried emotions that I have always brushed off instead of processed. They don’t normally resurface until I have a conversation that unearths them again.
I feel upset about all of the things we never learned in sex ed, in health class - - some things I’m only now just learning in my third decade of life - - and the missed opportunities of embracing my own cycle earlier in life.
I feel rage for how society talks about menstruation and our cycles, for all of the misinformation out there and the shame they teach us to feel around all of it.
I don’t blame our foremothers, because they were shamed and silenced much more than we are today. But also because of them, conversation around menstruation, monthly cycles, ovulation, birth control options, birth, miscarriage, breastfeeding, and numerous other topics are becoming much less taboo. There’s more information out there, more research being done, but still not enough. So, the best thing we can do is talk about all of it more often and louder.
I encourage you to talk about your experience with your friends, your family, your partner. The more we share our experience the lighter we’ll feel. So many, don’t talk about any of it - but you know what? The more we talk, the more questions we’ll have, the more we’ll learn from each other, and the less alone we’ll feel in our journeys. All of the “dead end” questions that can’t be answered because there hasn’t been enough research. . . might get better funding. Because if there’s a demand - there will be more research and more questions answered.
We are fucking powerful, for infinite reasons beyond bringing life into this world. So why, don’t we talk about any of it, all of it? Because we are shamed too. We are subtly conditioned by society to be secretive about all of it and embarrassed. Our cycles are not disgusting, shameful, or a mystery - it is life.
Regardless of your stage of life, whether you menstruate or don’t, whether you ovulate or don’t, whether your body works the way you want it to, or if you’re frustrated as hell because it doesn’t, we can all agree that life would be better if we all learned A LOT more about our bodies and how they work.
I wish we had learned about all of the symptoms that aren’t normal, but are brushed off as ‘normal’ and told to just accept it. All of the pain, the irregularities, the heavy bleeding, the lack of bleeding, the emotions, the food intolerances, the hormonal changes, the acne, the list goes on and on. There are numerous things I am still learning, and I believe that’s only because more of us are talking about it. (I wrote up a short list at the end of this, I encourage you to check out)
photo by Riah Beth Photography for Unruly Women LLC
Did you know, that in my Wilderness First Responder course I took in 2021 through NOLS, we learned about testicular torsion but we didn’t learn about ovarian torsion? Even though they have a similar occurrence rate (testicular 4.5/100,000 and ovarian 6/100,000).
We learned about toxic shock, but there was no mention of toxic shock syndrome (TSS) in relation to tampon use and the severity (death, loss of limbs, etc) that can occur, which I believe is crucial for a WFR to know especially with the rise of more people who menstruate recreating in outdoor spaces. 4/5 TSS cases since July of 2022 in Wisconsin were tampon related, if that’s just one state’s statistics can you imagine what it is worldwide? This subject is not uncommon enough for us not to learn it, and I believe it’s crucial for our health, safety and joy in outdoor spaces.
Monica, why are you making a big deal about this?
Because it’s a big fucking deal. What we learn, needs to be diversified and more inclusive. I believe it’s crucial for our health, safety, and joy in outdoor spaces.
Not all people who menstruate are women, and not all women menstruate. Inclusivity begins with the language we use.
And guess what? The only way things will ever change, is if we TALK ABOUT IT, all of it and raise awareness so that at bare minimum people have this kind of knowledge readily available.
photo by Riah Beth Photography for Unruly Women LLC
The Cycle Journal
If you don’t already, I highly encourage you to keep a daily cycle journal, no matter what stage of life you’re in. It doesn’t have to be fancy or elaborate, just a daily jot about:
emotions
creative drive
depressed or pessimistic outlooks
high/low energy or drive to do things
food cravings
food intolerances
bloat
types of bowel movements
Keeping a daily cycle journal has been life changing for me. Over the last 5 years, I’ve been keeping track of all of these (and more), and it’s amazing the trends I’ve been able to recognize because of it. Even if you’re not menstruating or you’re not ovulating, or whatever your situation may be, I still encourage you to take the time to make a daily note to help you live a more balance and less confusing life. You’ll also more easily notice irregularities and be more likely to bring these up to your doctor. YOU are your own advocate. Advocate for your health, because YOU deserve it and no-one will fight for you like you will.
I’m going to share with you some personal trends I’ve recognized in myself, because even if it makes one person feel a little less alone, it’s worth the discomfort in sharing this level of vulnerability.
Some Personal Trends I’ve Learned About Myself:
If I’m craving a food, there’s a good chance it’ll agree with my digestive system
If a food or beverage doesn’t sound appealing, there’s a good chance it won’t agree with my digestive tract/system
I can’t consume any kind of dairy during ovulation, or it’s practically a death sentence
I can eat almost anything during one week out of the month, and it’s glorious
I bloat/retain fluid during ovulation and during menstruation, so I’ve found over the years I need to be much kinder to my body, worry less about how I look, and focus more on comfort like what clothes feel most comfortable at different times of the month
I am overly kind, understanding, and patient during ovulation
In the past, when I was attracted to someone during ovulation, but not as much throughout the rest of the month, it was high probability my hormones were to blame. Nature was just trying to do its job. If you find yourself in that situation, dig a little deeper so you don’t find yourself stuck in an unhappy relationship.
once ovulation is over, I have a no-BS meter that runs very well. I am direct and assertive and I feel most in tune with how I truly feel (like a veil has been lifted) and conversation is real and raw.
during ovulation I get really hyper, really creative, really scattered, have a much lower tolerance for caffeine, and so many ideas but a lot more difficulty focusing or concentrating on one thing
during menstruation I get really intuitive and inspired and often write my best work
I am really sensitive and easily cry by day 20, I used to fight it, now I just go with it. I’ve learned to love embracing this sensitive side, and having a good cry is a great release.
By day 20 I’m often more pessimistic and have a more depressed outlook on life
By day 7 I’m super optimistic and see all of the ways life can and will work out, great problem solving
period poops are a real thing, and we have the change in progesterone to thank for that
hydration during menstruation is essential
gentle biking and walking help with bloating, but over exertion during menstruation makes me feel like death
what I eat, significantly impacts my quality of life during ovulation and menstruation
there are many more things, but I’m not going to write them all out
Everyone’s experience is different. By tracking our own cycles, we can see how our changes in hormones affect us daily. If you notice something out of your ordinary, it makes it easier to bring up to your healthcare professional.
My hope by sharing and writing all of this today, is that we’ll continue to step away from referring to anyone’s “time of the month” in reference to any feminine individual being direct, assertive, or not laughing at your not so funny jokes.
PMS is real, but not everyone experiences it, it’s also a spectrum. Not all people who menstruate are women, and not all women menstruate. By using more inclusive language, not making assumptions before we speak or using outdated sexist comments, and by educational institutions (such as NOLS) being reminded that their exclusivity impacts everyone, we’re taking a step in the right direction.
We need to stop giving our hormones, our cycles, and our bodies such a bad rap. We need to be kinder to ourselves and each other and dive into these conversations so that we all can live healthier, happier lives and feel a hell of a lot less alone in this big world.
I believe by keeping a cycle journal, we become even more intuitive with ourselves and of the world around us. Embrace it. Whatever day of your cycle, whatever your cycle is to you. Embrace the change, as all of it is a gift in one way or another. By taking a daily note about each day of your cycle (Day 1 is the first day of your period and the last day is the day before you get your next period - which can be anywhere from 20-35 days that can change depending on stress, foods, environment, exercise, etc) you’ll have a better understanding of ourselves.
Here is a wonderful woman who offers free cycle charting information to help you get started, this isn’t an ad I just really adore her work and want to share it with you! Click Here. (even if you aren’t menstruating, I encourage you to try a daily journal, to see if you notice similarities and trends throughout each month)
photo by Riah Beth Photography for Unruly Women LLC
THE LIST of things I wish I’d learned in Sex-Ed and Health Class or even History Class
(and these are only the topics that come to mind in this moment, this list is growing and I know I’m forgetting many)
Day 1 is the first day of menstruation/period, and our cycle ends the day before our period begins again
Cycle length and intensity can be effected by so many things (environment, food, stress, medicine, hormonal treatments, exercise, etc)
PCOS
Endometriosis
Perimenopause (it can begin in your late 20’s and 30’s although less common)
Menopause (more facts than hot flashes)
We don’t necessarily ovulate every month
During ovulation, only one egg is released and you often (not always) alternate ovaries
Painful ovulation (Mittelschmerz - hilarious word, painful monthly experience)
You can only get pregnant during your fertile days (ovulation) generally 3-7 days out of the month and that’s only if you ovulate every month
Ovarian torsion (more common than testicular torsion, and yet NOLS only taught us about the severity of the testicular problem)
When you get pregnant, they don’t go by your guesstimated (or known) day of conception, they go by the first day of your last period, that’s why so many women don’t find out they’re pregnant until 4 weeks or later, because there is no reason to assume you’re pregnant until you’re late and pregnancy tests don’t necessarily show up positive at 4 weeks (it depends on the level of human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) in your body at the time)
Miscarriage, can really fuck up your whole system, if you’ve had one, please be kind to yourself, please give yourself time, know that it’s not your fault and if you can please talk to a counselor that specializes in the topic I highly recommend it
We give birth on our backs because it’s easier for the doctor to see, not because it’s easier for our bodies
Chainsaws were invented by a doctor in Scotland because he thought by cutting away the pubic bone it would make childbirth faster and easier. If you’re cringing, you’re human, because even if this is news to you, you can understand how fucked up that really is. Click here to read more.
We have a woman to thank for cesarean sections in western medicine, and because of her stealing her dead male family member’s identity so that she could go to medical school (women weren’t allowed until 1849) she became one of the best doctors, surgeon general, and learned from indigenous people that they had been successfully performing cesarean sections for generations, and she then brought cesarean to western medicine - Dr. James Miranda Barry is the reason we have cesarean as an option instead of chainsaws. I highly recommend researching more about Dr. James Miranda Barry, incredible story I wish we’d learned about in any class during grade school or college.
By 1960, less than 7% of practicing doctors were women
Only in recent years, women and people of color are finally being considered in medical research, whereas western medicine has historically been based off of white men and researched by white men and (that’s why we know so much about men’s anatomy and physiology and are only now learning so many things about women’s anatomy and physiology). Click Here to Learn a brief history.
Only in recent years, is it becoming a norm to have entire medical curriculums (including NOLS) for identifying diagnoses in people of color (the text book pictures of medical books have been generally white people, so it makes sense why SO many people of color have been misdiagnosed or dismissed all together in their health concerns, often leading to a higher mortality rate. Click here for a brief history.
Here are some facts on how discrimination impacts LGBTQ+ healthcare and ways you can help. Click Here or Here.
This list, is growing. There is so much I didn’t say, and didn’t cover but this blog can only be so long and in depth… and I want to go for a bike ride and enjoy this sunshine.
If you feel so inclined, please share in the comments your own experience or struggles, I would be happy to be your community :) What do you wish you had learned earlier on in life? What is something you’re tryin to unlearn?
***Disclaimer: I write from my own personal experience and my writings are to be interpreted as such. I do a lot of my own research on subjects for my own curious benefit, and this is only a blog so I don’t take the time to share all of it. I encourage you to use your own critical thinking, do your own research, and ultimately discuss your concerns with your medical provider. I am not a medical provider giving you medical advice in this blog, merely sharing my own personal experience - please seek advice from your own medical provider. As always, you are your own person, capable of making your own decisions regardless of external influences - take no shit but do no harm. ***
