Unearth Your Inner Wild
When the world breaks your heart wide open, lean into it.
This was the first place I went to when I arrived at my new home in Oregon, and a place I would often go. Standing on the edge of the world, where the land crumbles and trees free-fall into the Pacific Ocean. My home for 3 years, Coos Bay, Oregon. Endless possibilities looking out into a horizon that never ends. www.unrulywomen.org
Life is a series of having the rug ripped out from beneath you and getting back up again. Being broken up with and leaving someone. Having someone die and having our own close-calls.
Life seemingly, completely and devastatingly breaks you and destroys you until you feel there’s absolutely no way you’re coming back from this one.
Until you throw it to the wind, move 2,000 miles away (again and again), try new things and you keep trying until you discover new ways of doing , existing, being - - you say yes, instead of letting your fear say no.
Griz ears overlooking the beautiful rock formations of Smith Rock in Oregon, where we spent the weekend sport climbing and camping. Smith Rock is on the stolen land of the Tenino (Warm Springs) and Northern Paiute people. [04/14/19] www.unrulywomen.org
Oregon has countless magical waterfalls, this one had an extraordinary magic about it. I dream about Oregon often, the moss, the greenery, the waterfalls and rivers that feel nothing short of - mystical. Oregon will always feel like home to me. www.unrulywomen.org
My life has been in almost constant evolution since 2015. Five years ago, I experienced multiple events that upended my entire life (repeatedly), and then COVID-19 - which was an entirely other-worldly level of solitude that ultimately became the inner journey I didn’t know that I needed and the strength I didn’t know I had.
I kept journaling and began therapy and meditation. I learned what projections of fear and trauma look like (my own and others’) and I learned to set boundaries - real boundaries- and began to stick to them unapologetically. Now, five years later, I can finally see how far I’ve come.
Griz, Moose, and I on our way up over the pass, you can see a clear view of Wy'east [Mount Hood] behind us. We trudged through a lot of snow, swarms of mosquitos, and Moose even sacrificed a toenail - poor buddy - he did a great job though. [07/04/19] www.unrulywomen.org
Because when we’re broken, our blinders come off.
I questioned everything. Why I believed what I believed, why I did what I did, why I like what I like, why I do what I do. I questioned absolutely everything. I dug deep and I asked why (so many times).
I kept trying, moving forward, making mistakes that felt like failing, but was always moving in a general direction -forward- even when it didn’t feel like it.
I took those years and more to discover who I am, what I am, what I am about, what I want to do with my life, and the impact I want to have on the people in my life and around me.
Beautiful views while backpacking along the PCT. The beauty of Seekseekqua [Mount Jefferson], and a view of the lake we camped next to. [07/04/19] www.unrulywomen.org
When your world falls apart you can either let it swallow you whole or you can begin to rebuild your foundation - one that aligns more with who you are and where you’re going.
I’m still working on mine, still going to therapy, still journaling and meditating and discovering who I am and learning as I go along. Finding forgiveness for my own mistakes and others.
Unearth Your Inner Wild is about digging deep inside yourself, discovering what you’re all about and facing your demons and your mistakes head on. You might not always like what you find, but that’s part of the journey - encouraging you to re-open those wounds and heal. Embracing everything that’s gotten you to where you are right now and re-discovering yourself. Finding a home inside yourself and for the first time in a long time, trusting your intuition, listening to it, and not second-guessing it.
Griz and I camping at the base of Seekseekqua [Mt. Jefferson] in Oregon. Griz loves me, more than the picture shows, he’s just not one for photos. [07/05/19] www.unrulywomen.org
And one day, you find yourself smiling instead of crying when the things that you thought would destroy you didn’t and all you feel is thankful for everything that happened because it brought you to where you are right now.
That heart break and loss you thought would kill you? It won’t, if you don’t let it.
Feel the heart break, the pain, the devastation, the loss, really feel it, move through it and let it move through you. Allow yourself to discover joy again, experience the love you have for yourself that’s enough to help you embrace life again, to find love again- to love yourself again.
Don’t let life just pass on by.
Because life will get better, if you let it, if you work at it. Although, we sometimes don’t find out it has, until years later, so the in-between can be excruciating at times.
My dog Griz, backpacking down the mountainside through the snowpack. We had just climbed over the pass where we’d encountered much more snow than I was expecting and swarms of mosquitos, over an 8 mile trek one way. We’re heading towards Seekseekqua, the original name of the mountain named by the people now known as the Confederated Tripes of Warm Springs. This area is stolen land from the Confederated Tribes of Warm Springs, in Oregon. This mountain was not named Mount Jefferson, until Lewis and Clarke Expedition in 1806. [photo taken 07/04/19 www.unrulywomen.org]
Sometimes I’ve wondered that if I could know if it’ll all work out, would I want to? The answer for me, is no, because I wouldn’t have learned and felt what I needed to arrive where I am today, to be who I am today. It may have made life easier, less scary, more predictable… but it wouldn’t have been what life’s all about.
We’re not supposed to have it all figured out.
We’re supposed to live it.
Feel it.
Let it change us, so that we can change the world.
Getting stuck in the past, keeps you from moving forward. Because when the universe doesn’t know what you truly want, how will it be able to send what you need your way?
Don’t be afraid of what you might uncover, embrace it.
You are so much more than what you may believe, and sometimes we don’t find that out until we’re forced to.
I believe in you, and your wildest dreams.
Fair warning, once you find your voice, learn to speak your truth, and truly embrace your inner wild - it’s almost impossible to go back to how you once were - and people don’t always respond well to that. But, you shouldn’t let it stop you, because the world won’t always understand. Especially if they’re doing what they’ve always done, how they’ve always done, just because that’s the way it’s always been done.
The first page of my new journal in 2019 that I wrote and doodled - a time when I felt very lost, very confused, very heartbroken and didn’t really know who I was anymore. www.unrulywomen.org
***Disclaimer: I write from my own personal experience and my writings are to be interpreted as such. As always, you are your own person, capable of making your own decisions regardless of external influences - take no shit but do no harm. ***
