There Is No Going Back To The Person You Once Were.
I used to have a fear, for years, that going back to a place or running into a person I once knew would literally unravel the person I had become and that the life I was living would dissolve into thin air as if it somehow wasn’t as real as I thought it was. Sometimes life felt like a dream, or as if multiple lifetimes were lived in one short life because how could they possibly all exist simultaneously?
This wasn’t something I was completely conscious of, it was a deeper fear rooted in my subconscious and the patterns it created I eventually recognized over time.
It took me a long time to realize that I was running from something, from someone, from old memories. Fearful that who I was and who I was becoming could be undone, as if my sense of self weren’t strong enough to withstand someone else’s reality.
I just thought I was an unusual being that loved change and adventure and craved continuous spontaneity and diving blindly into the unknown at an unimaginable pace.
All of which is completely true - but definitely not the whole truth.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned, is that there is no going back to the person you once were.
Like a cicada emerging from it’s exuviae, there’s no fitting back into the one you’ve outgrown.
Not by going back to the town you grew up in.
Not by running into someone from your past.
Not by walking down memory lane.
It’s not all going to unwind.
It’s not going to disappear or go up in smoke as if the life you’ve been living was a façade.
It also might not be the place it once was for you - because like you, its changed because nothing is meant to stay the same forever.
Not to say you won’t be triggered or that there won’t be something that comes up to make you realize you have more work to do, because there’s always more work to do - don’t give up!
You may even see how much you have outgrown the place you came from.
You might have difficult conversations with family or friends or people who you once knew that don’t quite understand the person you’re becoming, but that’s ok because not everyone is always going to understand.
And, if you haven’t been honest with who you are- that may come to light too.
The work you’ve done, the growth that’s happened, the experiences you’ve lived- have made it impossible to fit back inside the cocoon you’ve emerged from and no-one can take that away from you. Only you have the power to create change and manifest the life you’re dreaming of.
🌱You are all of your experiences.
🌱But, you are not defined by them - not even by your traumas.
🌱You are the lessons you’ve learned.
🌱You are the wisdom embodied from the mistakes you’ve made.
🌱You are a divine one-of-a-kind being capable of living your wildest dreams.
🌱Trust that the deepest you knows best, even if you don’t know why or how - yet.
It may not be some great epiphany, it may just… happen overtime and you might not realize it until you stop to pay attention to the work you’ve put in and all of the change that’s occurred overtime.
The cicada has fully emerged from it’s exuviae. www.unrulywomen.org
What would you be doing right now if you stopped making excuses?
If you stopped listening to others’ fears projected onto you?
If you stopped believing you are the person someone idealizes that you are?
What would happen if you you started listening to the way you feel, if you started believing that you do know what’s best for you, if you started to allow yourself to become the person you’re meant to be?
Be honest with yourself, who is your intuition guiding you to become?
Not from ego, or wanting to be someone else- but you. Who are you becoming?
The cicada fully emerged, wings drying out as it crawls up the tree. www.unrulywomen.org
Lately I’ve felt a kind of magic in the air, have you been paying attention and felt it too? There’s been a different level of groundedness I’ve been feeling deeply. I’ve finally felt like doing the things that I know make me feel good, and without judgement.
A few things I’ve been doing over the last few weeks:
✨baking and cooking naked (carefully of course haha)
✨painting even though I don’t know how - and making an absolute mess
✨practicing yoga for the first time in months and it actually feels good - not forced - sometimes naked
✨nourishing my body with foods that taste good and make me feel good
✨hydrating
✨meditating
✨journaling daily sometimes with intention, sometimes brain dumping
✨sharing my heart fearlessly instead of worrying about the “what-ifs”
✨dancing barefoot through the house and outside - rain or shine
✨sitting in sun and moon beams
✨playing with my dogs
✨bike rides
✨resting when I feel tired instead of pushing through, when I can
What life are you not living because you’re afraid of what other people might say? Because someone else is afraid for you, because of their own insecurities and fears being projected upon you, because they can’t see the how and the why and don’t understand? Or is it because you yourself can’t see the how and the why and don’t believe in yourself enough to give YOU a chance?
You don’t have to quit your job today, join a nudist commune and take peyote or make some other impulsive change to derail your life.
Just ask yourself, what is one small step you can take today, one small change you can incorporate into your life to live the life your soul is yearning for?
There’s only what’s ahead of you.
Keep going, you’ve got this.
